On Being Chinese Malaysian

“Are you Chinese?”

Due to the colour of my skin and my features, I have had to answer this question way more often than I would have liked to when I am overseas. Yet every time when I am considering my response, I would pause in an awkward silence, unsure of what my answer should be. Sometimes, I would reply with an ambiguous and prolonged “kinda,” and sometimes, I would hesitantly answer and say, “Well, yes and no.” At other times, especially when I am feeling particularly patient, I would seek clarification.

“What do you mean by ‘Chinese’?” I’d ask.

And this question has never yet failed to elicit a perplexed look.

Having spent four years studying abroad, I have learned to be very patient in explaining my complicated identity to my American friends. They seem to be baffled by the fact that I am both Malaysian and Chinese.

“Wait, I thought you’re from Malaysia,” they’d remark, utterly confused. “So are you part Chinese part Malaysian?”

This is the usual prologue that leads into a detailed analysis of how Malaysian is my nationality and Chinese is my ancestry.

“So,” I’d conclude, “I am fully Malaysian and fully Chinese, just like Jesus Christ, who is fully man and fully God.”

As difficult as it was at times to explain the difference between my nationality and my ancestry, I must admit that, deep within me, I found a mysterious pleasure, an inexplicable joy in sharing my unique identity as a Malaysian to my non-Malaysian friends. I was secretly proud of my twofold identity.

However, I never thought that I would have to explain this distinction to my fellow countrymen because I thought they would understand. Recently, a friend* of mine posted on Facebook that he was asked by a Malaysian boy of another ethnicity if he was half Malaysian, half Chinese. Although my friend answered and said that he is a Malaysian, the boy insisted that he is half Malaysian, half Chinese. I know that if I were in my friend’s shoes, I would have been very disappointed that even my fellow countryman fails to understand who I really am. It is one thing to enlighten my non-Malaysian friends about how I can be both Malaysian and Chinese at the same time, but it is quite another to have to explain it to a fellow Malaysian.

I realize that the terms “Malaysian” and “Chinese” are deceptively self-explanatory: we often think we know who these words refer to, but in reality, many who identify themselves as one or the other hold on to very different notions of what they really mean by the use of these terms. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “Malaysian,” when used as a noun, refers to “[a] native or inhabitant of the Malay Archipelago, or (more recently) of the Federation of Malaysia.” Since the word “Malaysian” is derived from the root word “Malaysia,” there were no Malaysians until 16 September 1963, the day when Malaysia was born. Likewise, the word “Chinese” is also derived from the name “China,” and the Oxford English Dictionary defines a Chinese as “[a] native of China.” In that case, the terms “Malaysian” and “Chinese” evoke national identities, not racial ones.

So I struggle to comprehend how anyone can be “half Malaysian, half Chinese.” After all, you can only be a native of one place—the place where you were born. Besides, in order to be half-and-half, one must obtain dual citizenship. But as far as I know, Malaysia does not allow her citizens to hold more than one citizenship, and neither does China. Hence, one is either a full Malaysian, or one is not; one is either a full Chinese, or one is not. And since I, and many others like me, were born and bred in Malaysia, could we honestly identify ourselves as anything else but 100% Malaysians?

But just in case any of you are about to accuse me of forgetting my heritage (or, worse yet, betraying my race!), rest assured, for I have no intention of denying the fact that I am of Chinese descent. My elders have taught me the Chinese proverb “饮水思源,” and I have also been warned against behaving like a kacang yang melupakan kulit. I have not forgotten that my ancestors relocated from China to the Malay Peninsula during the First World War, and that is why I spend 15 days every year in January or Febraury to celebrate Chinese New Year; why my family and I still eat dumplings and mooncakes every year in spite of their soaring prices; why I speak both Cantonese and Mandarin fluently, and can read and write in both languages even though I had to stay back for extra classes after school just to learn Chinese. Yes, I can say with no reservations that I am of Chinese descent.

Nevertheless, I am essentially a Malaysian, a Malaysian of Chinese descent—a Chinese Malaysian. However, for generations, we have called ourselves Malaysian Chinese, thus suggesting that we are fundamentally Chinese, and that “Malaysian” is merely an adjective that specifies what kind of Chinese we are. No wonder others are confused if we are Malaysians or Chinese! We ourselves seem just as confused! “Malaysian Chinese” and “Chinese Malaysian”—an inversion of the two words makes a whole world of difference. For instance, “sky blue” is a colour, a shade of blue, but “blue sky,” on the other hand, is a sky that is neither grey nor white. Therefore, I proudly call myself a Chinese Malaysian because I am a native of Malaysia with a Chinese ancestry. I am first and foremost a Malaysian, and Chinese is an adjective that describes my cultural heritage. Since multiculturalism is that which makes Malaysia so unique, using an adjective to complement my national identity as a Malaysian is a celebration of this diversity.

Why should I be deprived of the right to call myself a full Malaysian? And why must I be forced to identify myself with the nation of China when I have never even set foot on Chinese soil? I pledge my allegiance to no other flag but the Jalur Gemilang. To those who frequently tell us Chinese Malaysians to balik kampung, let me tell you that my kampung is Kuala Lumpur because I was born here and I have spent 20 years of my life here, with many more to come, Lord willing. I believe that I have every right to call myself a Malaysian, and I will certainly not give in to anyone who attempts to rob me of my proud identity as a Chinese Malaysian.

 

*Special thanks to Chua Woon Chen, whose Facebook status inspired this post.