“Are you
Chinese?”
Due to the
colour of my skin and my features, I have had to answer this question way more
often than I would have liked to when I am overseas. Yet every time when I am
considering my response, I would pause in an awkward silence, unsure of what my
answer should be. Sometimes, I would reply with an ambiguous and prolonged
“kinda,” and sometimes, I would hesitantly answer and say, “Well, yes and no.”
At other times, especially when I am feeling particularly patient, I would seek
clarification.
“What do you
mean by ‘Chinese’?” I’d ask.
And this
question has never yet failed to elicit a perplexed look.
Having spent
four years studying abroad, I have learned to be very patient in explaining my
complicated identity to my American friends. They seem to be baffled by the
fact that I am both Malaysian and
Chinese.
“Wait, I
thought you’re from Malaysia,” they’d remark, utterly confused. “So are you
part Chinese part Malaysian?”
This is the
usual prologue that leads into a detailed analysis of how Malaysian is my
nationality and Chinese is my ancestry.
“So,” I’d
conclude, “I am fully Malaysian and fully Chinese, just like Jesus Christ, who
is fully man and fully God.”
As difficult as
it was at times to explain the difference between my nationality and my ancestry,
I must admit that, deep within me, I found a mysterious pleasure, an
inexplicable joy in sharing my unique identity as a Malaysian to my
non-Malaysian friends. I was secretly proud of my twofold identity.
However, I
never thought that I would have to explain this distinction to my fellow
countrymen because I thought they would understand. Recently, a friend* of mine
posted on Facebook that he was asked by a Malaysian boy of another ethnicity if
he was half Malaysian, half Chinese. Although my friend answered and said that
he is a Malaysian, the boy insisted that he is half Malaysian, half Chinese. I
know that if I were in my friend’s shoes, I would have been very disappointed
that even my fellow countryman fails to understand who I really am. It is one
thing to enlighten my non-Malaysian friends about how I can be both Malaysian and Chinese at the same time, but it is
quite another to have to explain it to a fellow Malaysian.
I realize that the
terms “Malaysian” and “Chinese” are deceptively self-explanatory: we often
think we know who these words refer to, but in reality, many who identify
themselves as one or the other hold on to very different notions of what they really
mean by the use of these terms. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “Malaysian,” when used as a noun, refers
to “[a] native or inhabitant of the Malay Archipelago, or (more recently) of
the Federation of Malaysia.” Since the word “Malaysian” is derived from the
root word “Malaysia,” there were no Malaysians until 16 September 1963, the day
when Malaysia was born. Likewise, the word “Chinese” is also derived from the
name “China,” and the Oxford English
Dictionary defines a Chinese as “[a] native of China.” In that case, the terms
“Malaysian” and “Chinese” evoke national identities, not racial ones.
So I struggle
to comprehend how anyone can be “half Malaysian, half Chinese.” After all, you
can only be a native of one place—the place where you were born. Besides, in
order to be half-and-half, one must obtain dual citizenship. But as far as I
know, Malaysia does not allow her citizens to hold more than one citizenship,
and neither does China. Hence, one is either a full Malaysian, or one is not;
one is either a full Chinese, or one is not. And since I, and many others like
me, were born and bred in Malaysia, could we honestly identify ourselves as
anything else but 100% Malaysians?
But just in
case any of you are about to accuse me of forgetting my heritage (or, worse
yet, betraying my race!), rest assured, for I have no intention of denying the
fact that I am of Chinese descent. My elders have taught me the Chinese proverb
“饮水思源,” and I have also been warned against behaving
like a kacang yang melupakan kulit. I
have not forgotten that my ancestors relocated from China to the Malay
Peninsula during the First World War, and that is why I spend 15 days every
year in January or Febraury to celebrate Chinese New Year; why my family and I
still eat dumplings and mooncakes every year in spite of their soaring prices; why
I speak both Cantonese and Mandarin fluently, and can read and write in both
languages even though I had to stay back for extra classes after school just to
learn Chinese. Yes, I can say with no reservations that I am of Chinese descent.
Nevertheless, I
am essentially a Malaysian, a Malaysian of Chinese descent—a Chinese Malaysian.
However, for generations, we have called ourselves Malaysian Chinese, thus
suggesting that we are fundamentally Chinese, and that “Malaysian” is merely an
adjective that specifies what kind of Chinese we are. No wonder others are
confused if we are Malaysians or Chinese! We ourselves seem just as confused! “Malaysian
Chinese” and “Chinese Malaysian”—an inversion of the two words makes a whole
world of difference. For instance, “sky blue” is a colour, a shade of blue, but “blue sky,” on the other hand, is a sky that is neither grey nor white.
Therefore, I proudly call myself a Chinese Malaysian because I am a native of
Malaysia with a Chinese ancestry. I am first and foremost a Malaysian, and
Chinese is an adjective that describes my cultural heritage. Since
multiculturalism is that which makes Malaysia so unique, using an adjective to complement
my national identity as a Malaysian is a celebration of this diversity.
Why should I be
deprived of the right to call myself a full Malaysian? And why must I be forced
to identify myself with the nation of China when I have never even set foot on
Chinese soil? I pledge my allegiance to no other flag but the Jalur Gemilang. To those who frequently
tell us Chinese Malaysians to balik
kampung, let me tell you that my kampung
is Kuala Lumpur because I was born here and I have spent 20 years of my
life here, with many more to come, Lord willing. I believe that I have every
right to call myself a Malaysian, and I will certainly not give in to anyone
who attempts to rob me of my proud identity as a Chinese Malaysian.
*Special thanks to Chua Woon Chen, whose Facebook status inspired this post.
