Let My Walk Speak Loud

Nothing closes the heavy wooden double doors of the church as effectively as hypocrisy does. Bang! The door is slammed shut, never to be opened again. The crowd sneers and jeers at the closed doors, and the people turn their backs on the church. "Look!" they say, "And they call themselves Christians."

Nothing is as great a turn-off as hypocrisy is.

Since hypocrisy is pretending to be something you are not, or saying something that you do not actually practice, can we all agree that hypocrisy amounts to deception? You are presenting yourself to be someone you are not! I feel so deceived to hear one speaking so loudly on stage, and yet his actions have such a great discrepancy with his words. Oh, the deception!

I understand that no one is perfect, and Christians are humans too. Christians make mistakes, just like everyone else. No one is excluded from mankind's downfall. But maybe it's time we start practicing what we preach. Or maybe it's time we stop preaching and start living. Let our walks speak louder than our words!

Because our actions can either put a 'Welcome' sign or a 'No Entry!' sign at the gates of Heaven.

The Legacy

If there is one most profound mistake that a great man of God can make, it is the failure to pass on his faith to the next generation. This is seen recurring all through history, from Moses to David, and the nation of Israel as a whole. Moses, God's chosen one, failed to pass on his faith to the next generation. You do not even want to know what his decendants did. David, a man after God's own heart. But look what happened to his family, or rather, families. And Israel's downfall was caused by her failure to pass her faith on to the next generation.

Unfortunately, this does not stop there. What was true in the times of the Old Testament is still true today. We see the same thing recurring again and again. It breaks my heart everytime I see great men of God failing to pass their faith on to their children. It pinches my heart to see their children slowly turning their backs on God, and turning to the world instead.

This is such a pity, because the only thing that you can leave behind for your children is your faith. And for those who failed to pass their faith on, they walked the length and breadth of this earth and earned the title of a great man of God, but when they leave this world, they leave nothing behind. They are like shadows who sojourned the world, leaving not even a footprint behind. They are like breaths of air that disappear with the lightest mist.

The only legacy that we can leave behind for our children is nothing less that our faith in the one true God. And the greatest ministry the LORD has commissioned to us is our family. Let's live the legacy and pass it on to generations to come!

"...choose you this day whom you will serve...

but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

Joshua 24:15

I am Malaysian!

Recently I have been having too many doses of everything American. Some time ago, they had their Veteran's Day, and at Liberty, we had our Veteran's Day Convocation, just to pay tribute to people in the armed forces who faithfully served and are serving the country. Some representatives of the armed forces marched out with the American flag. Videos of the veterans were shown. The "Star-Spangled Banner", the lyrics and tune of which I had absolutely no idea, was sung. The pledge of allegiance was recited.

Then of course there was the election which was very much talked about. There were so many politicians who were invited to speak at our convocations, all too many, in fact. Everyone was talking about the political and economics situation of the nation, while at the same time, praying for the country as well.

Young people ranging from age 17 to mid-twenties cared so much about their country. They actually knew the significance of casting a vote in the election. They actually cared enough about the politics and the economy of the country to talk about it over dinner. They actually cared enough to plead to God on behalf of their nation, asking for forgiveness and mercy.

This is something new to me, because in Malaysia, most young people do not even bother to get out of bed earlier once in four years to cast a vote. Politics and economy are conversation topics for above-middle-age men. Yes, we do pray for our country during that 40-day prayer and fasting event organised by NECF, or when we hear that petrol prices are soaring, or when we hear that Anwar has set a new date to take over the government.

Do we not care enough for our country to uphold her in prayer to the LORD Almighty? Do we not care enough to plead for forgiveness on behalf of Malaysia? Are we too caught up with our homework and crushes that we have forgotten this land that the LORD has placed us in? Obviously, Malaysian (non-bumiputra) youths are are not patriotic enough to take any interest in what's going on within the country, let alone to intercede on her behalf. It makes me shudder to think that these young people are the future leaders of the country. I bet some may not even know who is the current ruling party.

Why is this so? Well, for one thing, we do not identify ourselves as Malaysians. Whereas anyone who holds an American citizenship calls him/herself an American, whether that person is black, red, yellow or white, people in Malaysia call themselves Chinese, Malay, or Indian. This is the weirdest thing. I have met Chinese from China, and the Chinese they speak sounds entirely different from mine. They can even tell from my looks that I am not from China. I have met people from Hong Kong who told me that my Cantonese is funny, whatever that means. And my English certainly does not sound like either that of the Americans or the English.

So, what does that make me? I can only come to the conclusion that I am Malaysian! I do not speak Chinese, Cantonese or English. I speak Malaysian. We may feel that we are not being treated as first-class citizens. We may feel that we have been deprived of all the special privileges that some others enjoy. But then again, we will never get these treatments elsewhere either. Maybe it's time we realise that God has not put us where we are so that we can distinguish ourselves from others, but so that we can make a difference for His world right where we are. Maybe it's time we, as the next generation of the nation, start caring for and interceding on behalf of Malaysia.

Les Mademoiselles!

Living in close proximity with almost 70 other girls, I guess one just cannot help but to be, well, girly. So, here's a panorama of some scenarios captured in a girls' dorm.

I know bribery is absolutely wrong, but bribing with chocolate... is that a sin? Wait, is that even bribery?
So Rosemary wanted to go carolling to the brother dorm. Obviously, none of us was too interested in that. As a result, she ended up with no one on her side. And it is definitely not cool to go carolling alone! (Is that pathetic or what?) Finally, she had to resort to bribing Terron with chocolates to get some company on the little carolling trip. Anyway, the whole thing ended rather pathetically.
Well, this led to another problem. The rest of the girls who did not go carolling were making plans to have a movie night in our room, and they were upset that Terron agreed to go carolling, thus making us wait for her. So, in order to keep them occupied while she went carolling, Terron paid the girls in chocolate to have them make her bed and clean her part of the room.
Is this CRAZY or what?

So, moving on, my next door neighbour (literally!) is getting married! And as we all should probably know, getting married is not just an affair between two persons, but rather, it involves two families. Yes, she does have to deal with her in-laws, that is, future in-laws.
Yesterday, she ran into my room, looking for Terron to "hold her hand". I thought I heard her wrongly. The most gutsy girl in the dorm (she's a criminal justice major!) wants someone to hold her hand. And since Terron was not in the room, the task fell upon my shoulders.
Naturally, as anyone else would, I asked her what was going on. She said that she was about to give her mother-in-law a call. Then she sat down and started writing out a script for the telephone conversation. No kidding! The girl who stands up in class to debate with the lecturer is actually writing out a script for a conversation with her mother-in-law! Seriously, I was laughing my head off.

Oh well, I guess we are all the same inside, that girly side of ours. For some, it may be obvious and well-displayed, and for others, that girly side may be disguised and hidden under a facade of toughness and independence. Join the club, ladies!

That side of America Hollywood never portrays

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters."

Psalm 23, a portion of the Bible we Christians are all too familiar with. However, being one who was born and bred in a city, I have never been able to fully grasp the image this verse paints. So, when I finally went to Bedford last Saturday, and witnessed for myself what a pasture really is, it just takes my breath away.

Bedford is a small town next to Lynchburg, about forty-five minutes to an hour away. It was the first day of my Thanksgiving break. Pastor Duncan and Betty decided to take Mia and me along as they visit their sister-in-law, and an old friend of theirs in Bedford. As we drove back from the quiet little town, Betty decided to revisit the Baptist church in Bedford that Pastor Duncan first pastored, only to realise that we got hopelessly lost along the way.

We find ourselves driving on narrow winding roads that seemed too small for more than one vehicle. At first, the roads were lined with woods and plantations, and then it turned into hundreds of hectares of farm lands with herds of cattle grazing. A farmhouse or two are seen standing remotely in the background. The pieces of land were so huge that they seem to stretch as far as the ends of the world. And they were green as green can be! Above all, all these were set to a majestic background of the mountains.

Immediately, Psalm 23 came to mind. Now I have a better picture of what the psalmist was feeling and thinking when he wrote the psalm. I can even picture my LORD and I walking across one of the green pastures, hand-in-hand... no... with our arms around each other! As I lie down on the green grass and He lies down beside me, we start to talk about everything. Every single one of my thoughts and dreams, and all that I am going through in my life. How beautiful! How serene! How wonderful!

The image of the pasture in Psalm 23 is not just an image of serenity and calmness, but also of His provision. As Christ said in Luke 12: "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!" Isn't that just amazing? Looking at God's creation never fails to strike me with awe. If the LORD looked at all that He has created and said that they are good, and I am called the pinnacle of His creation, what does that make me? It makes me wanna worship Him with every breath of my being!

Honestly, I do not mind getting lost in Bedford for a second time.

Holy, Holy, Holy, Is the LORD Almighty!

I must say that I have never before thirsted for the Word of God as much as I now do. It is a thirst that drives me to think about nothing else but His Word; it is a thirst that stirs up a desire to devour and at the same time savour every little bit and pieces that I can put my hands on. It tempts and calls out to me like a refreshing oasis in the middle of a dessert of busyness. Just when all the hustle and bustle of life is sucking every bit of moisture out of me, there it stands, calling for me to take a deep and long drink from the never ending source of living water. How amazing! How satisfying!

At one point or another, we are all guilty of referring to the contents of the Bible as mere 'stories'. Bible stories, we call them. It somehow connotes the idea that the contents of the Holy Book is a little less than real history, just like how we would never call the Pearl Harbour incident or the Holocaust a 'story'. But the more I sink myself in the texts and words of the Book, the more I realise that every single bit of the book is as real as my being, and as sure as the rising and the setting of the sun. How amazing! How awesome!

Studying the writing and the contents of the best-selling Book of all time drives me to realise the greatness and awesomeness of the One who put it together. Oh, just how brilliant He is! How real! How beautiful! And most of all... how Holy! I cannot help but to stand in awe of Him. Did you know that the use of the title 'LORD' (all in caps) in the Bible we now have is the representation of the Name of the God, Lord of the whole universe, YHWH? His Name is so holy that the Jews did not see themselves worthy of even using the Name. Such holiness that strikes me with indescribable awe! Yet we so ignorantly use the LORD's Name in vain, treating it like nothing more than another exclamation. Shame on those of us who have ever done that!

I am just so utterly amazed by the LORD, by His words, and by His works that are seen spanning across time and history!

Isaiah 6:3 says,

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD almighty;

the whole earth is filled with His glory."

Fundamental Right?

So, as election is drawing nearer, there have been talks about human rights, and things that the people have to fight for. Being where the action is, I have way too many doses of stuff like these. Among others is the freedom/right to bear arms. Apparently, here at Liberty, people advocate the freedom to bear arms. In fact, according to many, it is a fundamental right and freedom that has to fought for and preserved.

One of my lecturers shared in class that she shuddered at the thought that any of her hundreds of students in the class can easily carry a gun in their backpack. Yet, on the other hand, she is a strong advocate of the freedom to bear arms. She said that she did not like to be told, what she can or cannot own. So, it boils down to the very American word: freedom.

This whole issue is totally foreign to me. Being born in Malaysia, I never had to ask such a question. After all, I have not even seen a real gun up close, except the ones held in a policeman's holster. However, I am very curious what non-Americans (Christians, especially) think about this issue. Will you guys please do me a favour and take the poll posted on the right? I want to see some numbers.

Please feel free to leave your written comments here. Thank you!

*The poll is open for everyone to take.

Life in a Container

I recently submitted an English essay paper entitled "Redefining Privacy". My teacher asked me why did I choose this topic, and my answer was that I am seriously deprived of privacy.

Life in a container? If you have seen the pictures of my dorm, you will definitely know what I mean. Yes, I am paying $2900 every semester to live in a container! The small little box that houses three persons is where I call home at least for the next four years.

The container has 23 rooms with 3 girls in each room. So, there are about 70 girls in the little container. What can be more of an encroachment on one's privacy than this?! I think I am starting to be claustrophobic. I cannot stand being in my room with the doors and windows closed, and I have to keep them open all the time.

But the worst thing is not the size of the room, but those who are in it. I am not complaining about my roommates, mind you. But I have had my own room for at least 8 years, and now I have to share a room with two other persons. It sure takes some adjustment. Being in the same container with 70 other girls is not much of a help either.

Every now and then, someone will come into the room. And somehow, I am just obliged to talk to them, however much I do not feel like talking. I cannot lock my door as I would have done if I were in my own home. Then someone will come in and ask if they can watch my roommate's TV. Of course, again, we are obliged to say yes. I mean, I do not have an option, do I? I do not know what is wrong (or right) with my room, but people just love to 'hang out' here. They will come with their stuff and everything and almost spend the night in my room.

I am not a hermit, of that I am sure. But I suppose you can call me a loner. I love having time to myself. I love 'hanging out' with myself. While I do not mind having other human beings around once in a while, but I do need space and time for myself to be alone, which is something that I am seriously lacking.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it, at least for the next few years. As Melissa said, "The Lord has placed us here for His purpose."

Church hunting

Never in my life have I dreamt that I will have to go church-hopping and church-hunting. Definitely not here at Liberty! It is indeed ironical that I am church-hunting when I am in a Christian school with two churches meeting on campus. Truth is, the churches here are mega-churches. No, not like KLBC, but at least ten times the size of KLBC! Yes, I mean it literally! It is really hard to get involved in a church that huge, and I do not want to just attend church every Sunday and then leave right after service. Part of my act of worshipping is serving Him, and at the same time, I also believe that it is easier for me to grow in a smaller church.

So, I began church hopping and church hunting. But to tell the truth, I did not quite know what I was looking for. It was unrealistic to look for a church that is exactly like my home church, because I will never find one. Yet, I knew that I had to settle down. Because if you hop for too long, you will soon get tired of it, and you will quit moving altogether. It was then that I found Living Word Baptist Church. It was like KLBCC in some ways, but it is not completely the same either. Let's see:

Similarities:
1. It is about KLBCC's size.
2. It has a lot of children.
3. It has an imperfect worship team. (Praise the Lord for that!)

Differences:
1. It is certainly not as welcoming as KLBCC. But then again, I was at the other end of the welcome.
2. The pastor is never the first one to be in the hall every Sunday.
3. The order of worship is certainly different.

Well, I guess I cannot ask for more. It takes time to get used to something. It took me 18 years to feel absolutely at home in KLBC(C). I guess I have four years to get used to Living Word. Praise the Lord for that!

Life as an Alien... (so far)

Well, as I have promised, here is the update. As I am writing this, it is September 12th in Virginia, which means that I have been here for one month and six days. This is almost unbelievable! I still cannot get past the fact that I have been away from the place I call home for that long! I guess this is the result of His grace and mercy to me. Always being there for me when I needed Him, or not.

Okay, now brace yourselves for a super long post. (What can you expect from one who has not updated her blog for a month?)

Guess I shall begin with my classes, since they are such a HUGE part of my life now.

General Education (GNED 101): I did not know what to call this subject and how to describe it until Micah calls it a subject that deals with ethics. If that is not plain enough, I'll put it this way: the class teaches you how to think and how to tell what is right and what is wrong, based on the Biblical standpoint, of course. After all, this is Liberty University. And since this is Liberty University, how can salvation and the gospel (something I've been hearing a lot lately! I'm not complaining...) be omitted from the syllabus? So yes, it is in the syllabus. Well, to put it more plainly, it is a Christian Moral class. But the nicest thing about this class is the lecturer. His name is Norman Troy Matthews (but apparently, he hates his first name and hence, goes by his middle name), an American who was raised in Australia. If I do not remember anything else, the only thing I remember about this class is that, on the first day, at the end of the class, he yelled out, "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!", and made us yelled back, "Oink! Oink! Oink!". How crazier can it get?

English (ENGL 101): Obviously, this is an English class. But it is so different from the English classes we have back at home. At least in this class, I was given an essay assignment, but no topic. Basically, I can write whatever I want to write. You may think that this is cool, but it is not, especially when you have to submit three outlines and two drafts before submitting the actual essay. I have written a thousand essays in my life (figuratively!), but I have not written a single outline. But the professor is cute. Can't deny that. She opened my eyes yesterday, by telling the class that 'nice' actually means "stupid or foolish". Nice, huh?

Communications (COMS 101): This is basically a speech class. You learn how to speak, or rather, 'communicate'. I really have nothing much to say about this class, besides the fact that we get extra credits (extra points added to your final grade) by going out front to tell a joke before class begins. So, I went out to tell jokes! Who does not want extra points? (The Americans! kidding...) This is like a freebie! Oh, by the way, I have to give a speech next next week, and I will be talking about the places of interest in Malaysia! Patriotic leh...

Humanities (HUMN 101): Oh... this is a funny class. I have a professor by the name of Dr. Lynn Seipp who is at least 70 years old, and he is a man! Okay, you're probably not laughing, but I always thought that Lynn is a girl's name. Anyway, the first thing he taught us in class is how to pass the attendance sheet, and he had to repeat himself like 2-3 times! Is that cute or what? Well, back to the subject, it is a subject that teaches you to appreciate culture, art, dance, music etc. And our (how I love this pronoun!) Petronas Twin Towers is in my Humanities Textbook! (See, we've finally made a name for ourselves with one of out 'tallest' and 'longest'!) This is actually quite an interesting class, as my professor will sometimes play some instruments in class. (Yes, the 70-year-old man!) Also because I got 100% for my first test for this subject! Oh, and the professor also begins every class with a devotional time.

Bible (BIBL 105): This Bible class that I am taking for this semester is "Survey of the Old Testament". Yes, it sounds like I am in a seminary. Actually, I feel like I am in one. A subject like this sounds like something my Dad did in MBTS. If that is not enough, you should take a look at my textbook. It is as thick as my dictionary, if not thicker! No joke! And it is like reading Middle Eastern history. It is a pretty boring subject, but somehow, my professor (His name is Michael Smith!) made it really interesting. And it also really nice to study the Old Testament as something more than a book of Sunday School stories, but as a book that documents the early history of mankind. Frankly, it's amazing!

Evangelism (EVAN 101): I don't even think that this is a class. It's more like another service (and later you will know why I use the word 'another'), because we start every class with a praise and worship session, and we have guest speakers coming to share their testimonies, and we have altar calls (yes, plural form!) in the class. And did I mention that one of the assignments is to write my testimony?

Well, on a lighter note, I went to a football game! Our first home game for the season, and we won 49-10! My first football game! And if you haven't realised, I am not talking about the football where guys kick a black-and-white ball around. I am talking about American football. And I do not have a single clue how the game goes! I could not even keep track of where the ball went. It's basically a game where you watch a bunch of big guys chasing one big guy holding the ball. So, I just cheered when the rest of the people cheered, and tried to comprehend as much as I can, which is really not much. Well, anyway, I can now claim that I went to watch a game! And I actually stayed till the end of the game without falling asleep! Such an achievement...

Last week we also had Spiritual Emphasis Week (SEW). It's basically a week where we have services every night. Yes, every night! As though six services a week is not enough! (No kidding!) But SEW is evangelistic in nature, and I witness so many people giving their lives at the altar, that I can hardly believe it (literally!). But I guess my Lord is the Lord of the Impossibles. And to kick start SEW, we had an all night of prayer, and my dorm got the last shift of the night (or day), which is from 7-8am. So we woke up at 6.30am to go to the Prayer Chapel which is on the Hill to pray. I do not know about the others, but it was good for me. It was a time when I can really focus on the Lord and fall on my face before Him in petition. Not that I cannot do it on any other day, but sometimes, life has so many things lined up for me that it is hard to be focused. Sometimes it's hard to get through my quiet time without glancing at the clock even once. And I feel guilty! I mean, just imagine if you are talking to me and I keep looking at my watch. How rude is that!

This is getting too long. I shall not kill your interest and patience. Will update more soon. At least for now, I can say that I kept my promise to update my blog!

Officially an Alien!

So, I am officially an alien! Well, at least an alien on American soil.

It's been so long since I last updated my blog, that I've kinda forgotten that I have a blog. No way! I was kidding.

Many people have been really nice, and I have a thousand and one people asking me how am I, including people whom I never knew cared anything about me (and I wonder where they came from all of a sudden).

But above all else, the one thing that is truly amazing about being an alien, or rather, being on my own, is the extent of God's grace that I have experienced. It's not that I have never experienced His grace before, it is just that, when you are thrown out on your own and you have nowhere to turn to and no one else to go to, you learn to put your trust and your hope solely in Him. And it is then that you really experience the abundance of His Storehouse of Grace.

This past month has been truly amazing, as I witness the Lord of the universe at work in my life. (Can you believe that the God who created the Heavens and the Earth cared enough to look into the life of one out of eleven thousand students in Liberty?!) He never fails to make me stand in awe in His presence.

Well, I do have a lot to thank the Lord for; His grace, His provision, His peace.

That's all for now. I will be back with more details soon. That's a promise, and the last time I checked, I was not a vow-breaker.

Life's a Jigsaw!

You expected as much from one who is staring at jigsaw pieces twenty-four-seven and who will be doing so for the rest of her days in Malaysia, didn't you?

A piece of 2000-tile jigsaw puzzle may look very intimidating at first sight, but if you're at it long enough, you will realise that the whole puzzle is actually made up of sequences that are repeated over and over again. So, all you have to do is to sort the pieces according to colour and type, identify the sequence of tiles, and everything else will fall into place gradually.

And if you have lived life long enough, you will also realise that life is made up of sets of routines. You wake up early in the morning, go to school, return home when you are done, have your meals, do your work, go to sleep, and you wake up the next morning to begin the routine all over again.

However, the routines are different at every phase of your life. Schooling life has its own routine, working life has another. No two rows of the jigsaw puzzle has the same sequence of tiles. So at the beginning of every new row, you will have to identify the new sequence. This is the hardest part, but once this is done and you've adapted to the new routine, you settle down quite nicely into it.

But there is a twist. Sometimes the sequence is disrupted by the corner tiles. There are slight changes to the established routine, but once in a while, a little variation is a desirable break in the routine. After all, routines are dull, and I cannot imagine my life as a boot camp.

There are times when you have to try all the tiles in order to find that one tile that fits nicely, but there are also times when the first one you pick up is the one that fits. But no matter what, at the end of the day, you will definitely find that perfect piece. A detour or two along the way will do you no harm. You may even learn a thing or two on the way. The most important thing is that you get to your destination in the end.

And the most frustrating times are the times when you seem to have tried every single tile and none of them seems to fit. You are frustrated and you begin to question why on earth are you even sitting here in the first place. No sweat! All you've got to do is to take a deep breath and exhale, and start trying all the tiles all over again. You will somehow realise that, in your exhaustion and impatience, you've missed out the correct tile. Thank God for second chances in life! Although you don't always get to undo past mistakes, there are times in life when you are given 'take-twos'. So just take a break, get yourself refreshed, and do it all over again.

Life is a jigsaw puzzle, but it is by no means puzzling. Because the One who does the puzzle has the Big Picture in His hands. The whole picture is already painted way before the first tile was ever put into place. All He has to do is to fit the correct tile into the correct place, and voila! We have a complete Big Picture at the end of it.

Ah... isn't this enlightening? Life's lessons from a jigsaw! I never knew doing jigsaw puzzle can be so enlightening. So, if anyone wants to be enlightened or is interested to contribute to KLBCC's building-fund by doing jigsaw puzzle, please dial 1800-88-DORC, that is, 1800-88-3672.

Irony of Life

"If good things lasted forever,

would we appreciate how precious they are?"

-Hobbes

It takes losing something to realise ever having it, and realise how precious it has ever been. Isn't it ironic? Yes, it is another one of the ironies of life.

I am counting the days, realising just how blessed I am, and how precious things are to me. And it suddenly becomes so hard to let go.

The Waiting Room

"But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

I can definitely endorse the authenticity of this verse. After all, I have been waiting, and am still waiting. All that I do everyday is eat, and sleep, and eat more, and sleep more. It is a wonder if my strength is not renewed.

Waiting has been a significant part of my life.

I still remember the last time I was waiting, I sank into a spell of depression and self-pity. It was not the most pleasant and proudest period of my life, and yet the irony of it was that it came after a huge victory. I guess when you are waiting, you just have so much time on your hands, so much so that you have nothing better to do than to let your thoughts wander into some forbidden region of your mind. You begin to think about everything that never even occurred to you when you had busier days. For me, my thoughts wandered to my loss and my failure.

Fancy mentioning these two words right after a major victory, huh? But yes, my thoughts chose to dwell on all that I was unable to grasp. I thought about all the plans I had for myself, all the plans which did not materialise. I thought about the uncertainty of what lies ahead of me. I was waiting, but I did not know what I was waiting for.

But in spite of it all, the promise of Isaiah 40:31 was waiting to be claimed. And it was proven true. The waiting was not in vain. The Lord on whom I was waiting led me to open doors that I never knew existed. While I was waiting, He was working.

Now I find myself waiting again. But this time round, it is different. I am not dwelling in uncertainty. I know where I am heading to. Still, I find my thoughts wandering to unfamiliar grounds. I reflect on all that is in and around my life. I reflect on all the little wonders surrounding me, things and people that I never had time for. And I realise just how blessed I am.

I have come to realise that waiting can be fruitful. The waiting room can be surrounded by four walls, with seemingly nothing. But it is what you do in that little room, and how you use the time, that make a difference. While I wait on Him, I know I wait in expectancy on Him, and when my strength is renewed in Him, I will run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.

Waiting has been a significant part of my life, and it will continue to be.

Wonders of the Present

Here's another reason why I love Calvin and Hobbes!

"Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly.

We are so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us

that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are."

-Calvin

Now this is so true! Especially for me. And especially when I will only be where I am for one more month.

So, carpe diem, amigo!

Superpower Craze

I really think that our society is obsessed with superheroes and superpowers. From the classic Superman, Batman and Spiderman, to the more modern version found in 'Heroes', we never fail to engage ourselves in the fantasy of possessing superpowers.

So I was watching a beauty pageant on TV, and one of the judges asked one of the contestants that, if she were to have one superpower, what would it be, and why. That's like given a permit to dwell in her fantasy. After all, who does not dream of having superpowers? In fact, the more the better.

Of course, one of the most desirable superpowers is time-travelling. This is pretty obvious, especially as propagated by Hollywood. From 'Back To The Future' to 'Heroes', time-travelling never fails to enthral people like you and I, who are trapped in the present time. How often have I sat and thought about what I can and want to change if I can only go back in time! I want to undo a relationship. I want to make the right decisions. I want to blot out a certain period of time on my life. Oh! There are just a hundred and one things I want to undo, if only I can turn back time.

Or do I? Maybe not.

After all, all that I have been through has become a part of who I am today. As unpleasant as they may be, they have made me who I am today. There is always a lesson to be learned even out of the most unpleasant experience. I would have been a totally different person today if not for all that I have been through in the past. So, maybe I don't want to travel back in time after all.

And the second most desirable superpower, is probably immortality. I know this for a fact because mere mortals of all times have asked for immortality in one way or another. Shi Huang Ti, as wise as he was, was stupid enough to send a troop in search of the medicine that gives him eternal youth. And of course, not to mention Claire's (the cheerleader in 'Heroes') power of regeneration. I mean, who does not want to live forever?

Or do we? I doubt it.

Yea, sure I want to see my children grow old and watch my grandchildren grow up. But there will come a time in life when we think that we have seen all there is to see, and then, death will become a welcoming end. Life and death are parts of the human experience. Death is just as essential an ending as life is the beginning. I am not sure if I really want to live forever, when everything around me is fading away. Because the thing that is scarier and more painful than death itself is losing the ones you love, and having to watch it take place before your very own eyes.

"So, if you were to have one superpower, what would it be, and why?"

If I were to have but one superpower, I want to have the ability to live my present to the fullest, seizing every moment of my life. Because the present is the most wonderful gift of God that I will never have again. That's why I will not squander even one second away. So that when the end comes, I am well-prepared, knowing that I have no regrets.

Narnia: Prince Caspian

Okay, maybe it’s a little late for a post on Narnia: Prince Caspian. But better late than never, right? No, my dad was not sitting at the edge of his chair in the cinema like he did for the first Narnia movie, but we all agreed that this one is definitely better than the first one.

So throughout the movie I was busy typing into my handphone. I was not sending SMSes, mind you. I am a law abiding citizen. But I was taking down some of the quotes that I find interesting.

Here’s one, from the scene when Lucy first met Aslan. She was telling Him how she thought she saw Him, while the others brushed it off as an illusion. And His reply was this:

“And why did that stop you from coming to me?”

If I were in Lucy’s place, I would have felt a hard smack on the face. This is a classic example of how we always put the blame on others when things go wrong. Just like in the very beginning. Just like Eve. I thought that I’m more righteous and more worthy of praise than the others, because I believed. Truth is, if my faith was strong enough, I would have taken action, since faith without action is nothing. But like Lucy, when people around started doubting me, I started doubting myself too. And this held me back from taking the required action. This is just as bad as not believing at all. In the end, I am the one to be blamed for doubting my own faith. It’s my fault and no one else’s.

Here’s another one, from the scene when Aslan appoints Prince Caspian as the next King of Narnia:

“Caspian: I do not think I am ready.

Aslan: And for that reason, I know you are.”

It is a wonder how God never calls one who thinks that he is ‘ready and well-equipped’, but one who thinks that he does not have it takes to do the job. Like young David. Like King Josiah. Maybe because it is when we realize our own shortcomings and insufficiencies, that we learn to trust in His superior knowledge and to draw strength from Him. It is time I realize and recognize the fact that, without Him, I am nothing and can do nothing. Then, I’ll be ready for what He has in store for me. Well, maybe not to be Queen, but I wouldn’t mind being one.

And then this one came as a good reminder:

“Susan: Why do you think I didn’t see Aslan?
Lucy: Maybe you didn’t want to?”

How true is that! We want to seek God’s counsel. We want to hear Him. We want an answer and a direction from Him. But at times, He just seems so silent. Too silent, as though He is non-existent. Truth is, he is always there for us. Maybe we even heard it. We just denied it because the answer He gave is not the one we wanted and expected. I should know. How often have I denied His voice just because He was not saying what I wanted Him to. It’s not that I didn’t see Him, I just didn’t want to.

And this next one came as a strong blow that struck me and woke me up. From the scene in which the rat (whatever his name was) found out that he lost his tail:

“Aslan: Perhaps you think too much of your honour.”

I am guilty of this one. Hey! Serving God is not about me or my honour. It never is. How easy it is for me to focus on how well I do my job, and how it reflects on my character, so much so that I have lost sight of the sole purpose to please my Lord, and forgot that His power is made perfect in my weakness. Perhaps I think too much of my honour and not His.

So, bottom line is, if you missed Narnia, go watch it! Nah.... It's just that C. S. Lewis has such a great mind! I mean, he managed to tell the story of Christ on Malaysia's silverscreen! Well, it takes a great mind to do the job.

Muhibbah

Being Malaysians, we are no strangers to the word 'Muhibbah'. In fact, we are all too familiar with it. Day in day out, we hear of the word so often. Everyone whose face appears on the front cover of the newspaper preaches about Muhibbah and racial unity. But do we know the true implications of this word? More importantly, do those who are preaching it know what this word really means?

As I walk to the LRT station every morning to take the train to college, I always enjoy seeing the group of women who gathers at the station parking lot to do their routine of tai-chi aerobic (I don't know what exactly that is, but it sure looks like a mixture of tai-chi and aerobic to me!). They just enjoy doing what they are doing, completely oblivious to the stares of curios passers-by. Some are clad in tudung, some have pottu, while others just look like modern mums from Desperate Housewives. Who cares about the differences? They are happy in their own little world.

This is Muhibbah.

Then my family and I walk into a hawker stall, and my Dad starts calling for Samy to take order. He's the guy who works at the mamak stall next to the stall we are dining in. As he comes, he talks to my Dad about everything, from making lame jokes to gossipping about Samyvelu, the big MIC guy who happens to share the same name. They speak in a Malay language that native speakers will never understand, but which amazingly, both of them understand very well. After all, we are Malaysians. We speak only to get our message across, regardless of whether we are grammatically or linguistically correct. Then they will burst into laughter, like they are old friends sharing some old private jokes. And this leaves us all wondering what's going on between them.

That is Muhibbah.

And when I'm done with my meal at Steven's Corner and ask for my bill, I hear a guy counting and asking me in fluent Cantonese what I had for my meal. I turn and look, only to be looking into the eyes of an Indian man. If I am blind, I would think that I am speaking to a Chinese. Oh well, anyway, who cares. We understand each other perfectly well, and he speaks Cantonese as though it is the most common thing in the world.

Now, that is Muhibbah.

Muhibbah sounds like a really big word, or maybe it is just made to sound like a huge one. Truth is, true Muhibbah is found in the most common places, amongst the most common people. I guess the big shots have a really precious lesson to be learnt from the common people.

Surprised by Joy

It was odd, to walk past her as though I didn’t notice her presence, staring at her out of the corners of my eyes, only to find myself turning back and walking again in her direction. Something in me made me turn back, but I cannot put my fingers on what exactly was it.

I did it, anyway. I bought it. I stooped down and I gave it to her. Then I saw it on her face- the smile that was generously written all over her face. She muttered something. Something I didn’t quite understand. But it didn’t matter.

All that took merely a minute. No, it didn’t seem like forever. It felt like what it was- just a minute and nothing more. Then I just walked away casually, like nothing happened.

It must have been quite a sight. After all, anything out of the ordinary does create a scene. Eyes must have been looking. Or maybe not. Lips must have been whispering. Or maybe not. Minds must have been wondering. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I didn’t look. I don’t to care to know. I didn’t have time to look. I just walked away casually, like nothing happened.

As I was walking away, I felt the surge of emotions: of Wonder and Amazement at what I’ve just done; of Joy, in seeing hers, and in knowing that I’ve finally done it. It wasn’t so hard, was it?

I was surprised by joy, finding it in the most unlikely places. But the question that remains to be asked is this: Why did it take me so long?

Let's do away with exams!

Exams! Who ever invented such a thing? It’s the Chinese, isn’t it? I know it’s to test your academic ability and how far you’ve progressed academically, but does it really do that? I mean, you study for a year or two, and then finally your fate lies in the hands of a two-hour paper! What’s the logic of it?

And then there’s always the element of luck. Okay, I know we don’t do luck, but I’m referring to that element in life that lies beyond human control. So call it whatever you want. Divine destiny, maybe? Truth is, sometimes during exams, some things are just out of your control. Like falling sick during an exam period, or getting a super-hard question, or maybe even reading the time wrongly. So you just flop your exam for that simple reason, and it’s the end of the world. How unfair!

Oh, and in standardized test, you don’t even know who marks your paper, and how they do it. You may unfortunately get a lousy examiner, who unfortunately marks your paper wrongly, and there goes your paper, and your future! All that you’ve been labouring for for the past two years… gone, just like that!

So much depends on the paper alone. Too much! It’s like a dice that can either lead you to a box that says, “Congratulations! You’ve won”, or to one that says, “Move backwards 3 steps.” The bottom line is this: exams take the fun out of learning. Just imagine how fun school would be if not for exams. We can then learn because we enjoy learning, and not learn to sit for exams. So, let’s do away with exams!!

Okay… okay! Yes, I am suffering from PET (Post-Exam Trauma) resulting in AES (Anti-Exam Syndrome). Oh well, I’m just glad that it’s over now, at least for this one and a half months. And I praise the Lord that I am still alive. Hallellujah!

So, who cares to join me in calling for exams to be done away with?

So me!

So, I am a huge fan of Calvin and Hobbes, and this really caught my attention!

Actually, sometimes I've got the same questions about God too. But aren't we all like that at one point of time or another? I guess there are times when you just have to cling on to nothing else but faith.

My Voice

I've finally found my voice. Not that I have lost it, but it was just suppressed. So, before I clam up again, I'd better get the words out. Right here right now, I just a few words to say to a couple of people.

To the earthquake victims in Sichuan:
It breaks my heart to see the death toll increasing. My heart goes out to all you guys. How I wish that I can do more to help. If only I have the capability, I want to go and search through the rubble for survivors, and adopt a kid or two. But as of now, all I can do is to keep you guys in my prayers, and I believe that prayers move the hand of God to do mightier things- things that are way beyond my imagination.

To the victims of the cyclone in Myanmar:
Keep fighting! Fight for your survival. Fight for your rights. Fight for your freedom. The Junta is not God and they don't hold your destiny in their hands. You do, and God does!

To the Chapmans:
I may never understand all that you guys are going through right now, but I do believe that our God is still in control.

To our dear Dr. M:
Sir, I used to respect you a lot, and I must say that I still do. But you have had your time and and you have had the opportunity to do things your way. Right now, it's time for you to keep your thoughts to yourself and step back to let others do things their way and make their own mistakes and learn from them, just as you have learned from yours, or at least so I hope.

To Munirah:
Please keep your mouth shut until you've found your senses! Our uniform is not sexy! Do you expect us to go to school covered in black from head to toe?!

To the Pasir Mas MP:
Teach the women to accept polygamy?! Do you know what are you talking about? Stop viewing women as sexual objects created to fulfill the men's sexual desires! It's high time to call for the men to be taught some self-control.

There! I've said it all. I was supposed to abstain from blogging until I'm done with my exams (that accounts for the inactivity of my blog lately), but keeping my thoughts to myself is just so hard. So, there! I've finally let it all out. The next time you hear from me will probably be the end of June, and by then, I'll be truly MERDEKA!!

Surprised by God

So, I am surprised by God... once again. Was it unexpected? No. Was I caught offguard? Yes. How is that even possible? Don't ask me, I don't know. Humans are just bundles of contradictions, and that is really what I am.

Sometimes, I just wish that He quits jumping out from behind the bush, because I really thought I was going to have a heart attack everytime He does that. But at times, I am also thrilled at the idea of Him showing up at my doorstep with flowers on an unexpected day.

However, I have come to realise that they all come in a package. There is no picking out just the good ones nor can you dismiss the not-so-good ones. They are all in the same package. It is a situation where you either take it, or you leave it.

Yet everytime, just as I thought I was sure of my destination, He took me on a detour. He brought me up to the mountain peak and down to the valley deep. He took me for a walk in the rose garden; I smelled some roses and pricked my fingers.

But there are two things that I can always know for sure: 1) I always gain something from the experience, be it a pleasant surprise or not-so-pleasant one. It is either a fresh scent of roses or a bloody finger. 2) If He leads me to it, He always leads me through it!

Perhaps it's time to brace myself for more surprises in the future!

when sweet turns sour

Most people dread to be alone. But I, on the other hand, like to be alone today. I am extremely glad and thankful to be alone.

Because I know far too well what it means when sweet turns sour. I know how bad it tastes. It even leaves an after taste in the mouth and reminds you of the thing that is long gone.

Now, I am happy to be free and alone again.... till I find the only sweetness that will last forever.

What's in a Name?

Funny how people's names change over time.

Before they get married, it's 'dear', 'darling' and 'sayang'.

After they get married, all the sweet terms are dropped.

After they have children, they become 'Mummy' or 'Daddy'.

When the children are gone and they are all alone again, it's 'Old Man' or 'Old Woman'.... or worse still, 'lou ye' (loosely translated, old thing)

How strange.... how very strange!

Bundles of Joy

I was making my way down the steps of the spoiled escalator and he was right beside me, struggling to make his way down the steps which were a little too huge for him. As my right hand was hanging idly between the both of us, he conveniently reached out for it, and tightly gripped two of my fingers. With his right hand on the railing, he slowly conquered the giant steps with my help. Just as he felt he could do it on his own and was about to let go of the extra hand, he lost his balance and almost fell. My heart skipped a beat and I almost cried out, but he instinctively grabbed hold of my hand again, and I held it so tightly that I thought I was never going to let go.

However, feeling something was amiss, he turned to check out the owner of the extra hand, and seeing a total stranger who simply greeted him with an unfamiliar 'hello' instead of his Dad, he stared for a second or two, let go of my hand, and climbed up the stairs again to his Dad.

It all happened in just a few minutes of my life and he was a total stranger, yet I relive the memory of those moments so vividly. There is an indescribable joy in holding the hand of a little one, helping and guiding him along the way.

When my Mum quitted her 21-year-old job as an accounts clerk to help in the church kindergarten, I could not understand why would one do that. True, it is a ministry and she is serving God and not man. But why this job? This is perhaps one of the most tiring and dirty jobs. Setting aside the low pay, I still could not imagine why someone was willing to give up an office job in exchange for an 8.30am-to-8.30pm job, working with a bunch of kiddos.

But everytime she comes back home, she is always full of stories, of how the kids did this and the kids did that. Whenever she talks about them, I thought I saw a sparkle in her eyes, and all the weariness of the day just disappeared. It was then that I realised that she has found something special that none of us will ever understand. Something so special that it makes all her physical and mental weariness seem worthwhile. Just to see a kid smile at her after having pronounced a word correctly makes everything else melts away.

I realised that she did not exchange her 21-year-old job for 12 hours of labour everyday, but instead, she has exchanged it for Bundles of Joy.

Vanity strikes

La vanité!* Vanity has always been a 'female word', in that it has always been associated with the female gender. The classic complaint has been that girls spend hours preparing themselves before a date. They spend what seems like eternity just to get dressed. Then, of course the window shoppings... they can walk for hours in a mall, and end up buying nothing at all. And the make up... Shakespeare has this to say,

"I have heard of your paintings too well enough.

God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another."

Recently, vanity has stricken again! And this time, the guys get their fair share of it. If you think that you cannot stand the female version of vanity, wait till you experience first hand the male version of it.

Who wakes up early in the morning just to get showered and have their hair gelled? Who applies deodorant even when they are at home? Who diligently cleanses his face more than once a day so that not even one spot of pimple can be seen? Who dons accessories like almost everytime he steps out of the house? Who takes hundreds of self-portraits?!! Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against photography, but staring into the camera and snapping pictures of yourself? And hundreds of them too?!!

Okay! Enough!!! See what I mean?

Oh Vanity, thou art a disease that gradually sweeps through the land. Thy grip is strong and thy hand seizes hold of any being within thine reach.

Le vanité!* See? Vanity is no longer a girl-word. In fact, I think it is more of a guy-word than it is a girl-word. Well, at least I don't spend lots of time getting dressed in the morning....

*vanité French for vanity; La French article for female noun; Le French article for male noun

Imperfections

Affluence has elevated us to a position where we can no longer tolerate even the slightest imperfection. Only perfectly undented cans, perfectly crease-free books, and perfectly symmetrical garments ever go into our shopping carts. We think that we deserve the best goods for the money we've paid.

Then, we apply the same standard to other things. We only want and will only make perfectly beautiful babies. People even go to the extent of seeking scientific help in order to make that possible. They select the best genes to be passed on to the next generation, in the hope that they will create babies as special and as talented as Yao Ming.

But what if God still decides to give us a slightly less-than-perfect child? Will we still be able to call her a Gift of Grace? Will we be able to look into her eyes and see beauty beyond description? Can we look into her face and see the image of God? Or do we see an ugly little monster staring back at us?

I was born with some imperfections of my own. I was born with a retarded mind, so much so that I cannot understand most of the things He is trying to tell me. I have too big a head, and I think that I can do things without His help. My hearing is slightly impaired. I cannot hear Him speaking to me most of the time, and very often, He had to resort to yelling at me. I suffer from severe short-sightedness. I can never see beyond the present. I have too loud a mouth, and time and again, I have said things that are a little less than pleasant to my Creator. My hands have too strong a grip, and I have problem letting go of things. I am faint-hearted. I easily lose faith and get discouraged over and over again. My legs are so long that sometimes I run too fast and too far away from where He wants me to be. I am the embodiment of Imperfections.

Yet, He has called me a Child of Grace. Yet, He said that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made". Yet, He has picked me up and clothed me in His love and His righteousness. Yet, He had chosen to lay down His life for a bundle of Imperfections.

He must have had a different definition of the word 'perfection'. Or else, He must have seen something that I could not see. Or perhaps, He has looked at me through a different pair of lenses; a pair of lenses that tranforms Imperfections to Perfections.

Survival

Survivor is back!! And this time it is in Xinjiang, China. Okay, I may be a lil' outdated, but pardon me, as I don't have AXN at home. Anyway, let's rejoice!! Survivor is back!!

So, before the game began, all the contestants were brought to a Buddhist temple to 'perform a ritual'. Jeff said that it was not an act of worship, but it was just a way for the Chinese to welcome them onto Chinese soil.

But to my horror, after they entered the temple, they were made to hold jostick and kneel and bow (as in literally-put-their-face-to-the-ground kind of bow) to the huge gold statue! Half way through the 'ritual', there was a girl by the name of Leslie who ran out of the temple with tears streaming down her eyes and said she could not do it.

When asked by Jeff why didn't she do it even though he said it was not an act of worship, she said this one thing that made me feel so proud of her,

"I will only put my face to the ground for my Jesus."

Way to go, girl!

Now I truly understand how 'reality TV' got its name. It is a reflection of reality, of what is happening in the real world, of what is happening all around us. And Survivor is definitely nothing short of a microcosm of the world at large. After all, we are indeed fighting for survival, aren't we?

Let's see.... we are fighting for survival in the workplace (who wants to be the first to go when it's retrenchment time?); we are fighting for survival in the family (everyone wants to outdo their siblings!); we are fighting for survival in our spiritual lives, in the midst of a world that is choosing to deny the existence of God (and unfortunately, many are losing the fight...); and we are fighting for survival in life itself. Everyone tries to outplay, outwit and outlast each other, so as not to be the outcast.

Inevitably, there are people of stronger character who are born leaders, and there are those who naturally sink into the background and play the flower pots. Yet, everyone in their own ways seek to be the winner. Some resort to scheming and others to making alliances, only to turn on their allies in the end.

Then, there is the element of fate that comes into play. The game suddenly takes a different turn, and no one has seen it coming. Suddenly, the two groups are merged into one. Suddenly, you are diagnosed with a fatal disease and the doctor says that you have only one more month to live. Suddenly, you are told that the company does not need you anymore, just when you were eyeing on that empty manager seat. Suddenly, the one you love is leaving you for good. All the plans that you have laid out so perfectly before have to be put to rest now. All is lost. You are lost.

And things get even more tensed when the game is coming to an end. People start to turn against one another in order to save their own backs. Alliances are broken. Promises are broken. Friendships are broken. And you wonder if your heart is gonna be next. Yet, you eventually realise that you still need the people against whom you've turned your back. So you try to mend fences, hoping all is not too late. But a mended piece of clothing is never the same as a brand new one.

All these just for the reward. How much does the reward worth anyway? $1 million? Yet, you have purchased it with your integrity and your conscience. What have you really won in the end?

Of course, you think to yourself, if only you can play the game all over again, you will play the game differently. You will proceed with a different strategy altogether. You will not make the same mistakes the others have made. If only you are given a second chance, things will definitely be different.

But then again, how many of us are given a second chance?

However, it is always a comfort to know that, in spite of it all, the Game Master is still in control. This is but a Game of Life. All is still well.... or at least so we hope.

say Nay!

When I first joined college, the moment I walked into the first Christian Fellowship meeting, I promised myself not to get involved too actively. I wanted to just 'blend in' and remain in the background. I wanted to sit back and relax and for once be the 'audience'. I was too tired and worn out after years of serving Him.

Of course, my God has never failed to surprise me. While I dreamed of relaxing and doing nothing, He has other greater plans for me, as always. Needless to say, I found myself on the front stage once again.

It has been more than one and a half years now, and I certainly cannot deny the joy that I've found in serving Him. These three semesters have been more than just spiritual growth for me, for I was blessed with lots of fellow brothers and sisters who have helped me grow spiritually and have also inspired me to serve Him with even greater passion.

As I look back now, I laugh at my own folly. I have come to realise that there is no such thing as a retirement or anything of that sort, not even a vacation, when your boss is the Big Guy up there. Because the purpose of this life that you are living is to serve Him and Him alone. Retirement comes when you cease being. So, when I said that I just wanted to sit back and relax and be the audience, it was equivalent to saying that I was fed up serving Him, tired of living out the purpose of my life. Now, how stupid does that sound....? And oh, by the way, the audience of one in this show is also my Big Boss up there. So who am I to say that I want to be in the audience?

Again, looking back now, I am glad that I did not say Nay! when He placed me where He wanted me to be. Right now, I just feel like putting my face to the ground for Him!

something crazy

Recently I have been blessed with Steven Curtis Chapman's This Moment. One of the songs in the album is 'Something Crazy'. The chorus goes like this:

And it's crazy when love gets a hold of you

And it's crazy things that love will make you do

And it's crazy but it's true

You really don't know love at all

Till it's making you do something crazy

Talking about something crazy.... I've always dreamt of doing something crazy. Something really crazy like getting that homeless man in Taman Muda cleaned up and giving him some clothes; buying lunch for the beggars that lined the streets in Plaza Rakyat; sponsoring that cute little girl I saw on World Vision's website; helping that old lady I saw at the LRT station carry her bags down the stairs; giving that man with only RM 20 in his bank account some money.

However, every time these thoughts cross my mind, my mind immediately generates an automatic excuse to brush off such thoughts. It is as though that was a reflex. I wanted to do something crazy, yet physically, it seems as though there were some unspoken rules and unseen barriers withholding me.

It's dangerous to talk to strangers; some of these people won't even be grateful to me; I'm too young to do any such things; what will people think of me?

Well, I guess Love has yet to get a hold of me. Or perhaps I really don't know Love at all.

Journey of Madness

This is a journey of madness. A journey that goes beyond all reason and logic. A journey I've been on for a very long time, so long that at times I've forgotten how I began in the first place. Sometimes, along the way I pause, and I take a long hard look at how far I've come. And I give myself a pat on the back. A much needed pat to spur myself on. Sometimes, along the way I pause and I take a good long look, only to realise that I've not travelled that far after all.

But then again, how do I measure the distance? By whose yardstick do I measure it? Do I have to fall on my knees with tears streaming down my face somewhere along the way just to leave a landmark?

It has been so long now, that I can no longer remember how hard it was to get the journey started, or perhaps there was no hardship at all when the journey began. I can hardly remember how it all began. Yet, I was reminded of it time and again, so that I do not lose sight of my destination.

I was told that the mountains and valleys along the way help you grow and that they keep you fit for the rest of the journey. But what if there were no mountains and no valleys? Do you still grow? Or perhaps there were. Perhaps I got so used to them that they just became yet another routine for me. Perhaps I got around them instead of getting over them.

Of course, I wonder just what does it take to get over the mountains and the valleys. Maybe I'll have to leave some bags behind. Maybe I'll have to leave all my bags behind. Just how much am I willing to leave behind when the time comes? That question still remains.

living to die or dying to live?

According to my dad, according to an article he read, palm trees continue to live and grow as long as they do not bear fruit. The moment they bear fruit, they will self-terminate. According to the article, there's a species of palm trees in Madagascar that bear fruits only once in a hundred years, and then after that, death becomes inevitable. They live for a hundred years to fulfill their purpose, then they die. In other words, those trees literally live to die.

If living for Christ means living to die, so be it. But let's not be dying to live a life that has no purpose. For a tree that does not bear fruit is "cut down and thrown into the fire".
I've heard of people who are dying to live, but living to die? Never heard of it. So often people are struggling to survive. People try so hard to stay alive that they've forgotten the purpose of living. What good is a palm tree if it doesn't bear palm fruit? So what if it lives up to hundreds of years?

Psalms 119:175 says this, "Let me live that I may praise you...". This was David's proclamation. Let this be our proclamation as well. Let us live to fulfill the purpose of our very lives: to extol the creator. It may be through our deeds, but it may also be through our deaths.

"20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed,

but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body,

whether by life or by death.

21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me."

Phillipians 1: 20-22

If living for Christ means living to die, so be it. But let's not be dying to live a life that has no purpose. For a tree that does not bear fruit is "cut down and thrown into the fire".

vingt!

Moving into 2008 has been, well, a little traumatic for me, as I'll be turning twenty this year. Okay, I am being a lil' dramatic, but then again, the thought of turning twenty kinda haunts me, although I am still about ten months away from actually being twenty. Just imagine, my age now starts with the number 2! Is that scary or what... Okay, I am dramatic!

The beginning of a new year means making resolutions. Everyone seems to be still talking about it although we are almost one month into 2008 already. I used to make them too, but some time back, I quited making resolutions for the simple reason of not being able to follow them through. Not so much because I did not have the determination, but because very often, along the way, my plans have to be changed because He has a different plan for me. So, I just quit setting goals for myself and await to be surprised by God instead. And if I have to eliminate some bad habits, I guess I don't have to wait for a new year to do so. Everyday is a new beginning!

But since I'll be twenty this year, I guess I must have some long-term goals. Not so much of a goal goal, but more of a dream or an ambition, or whatever you wanna call it. It's just a word after all. Maybe in other words, they are just the things that I wanna do before I am thirty.

1. Serve on MV Doulos! My parents think that I wouldn't be able to survive there...

2. Step out of the familiar to explore the world.... Hopefully I'll get to do this come August!

3. Do something crazy for Jesus!! Like adopting a kid or helping a stranger, maybe?

4. Do something extreme! Anyone in for bungee jumping?

5. Find that someone amazing.

...... and last but not least: Be nice. Scratching your head? Well, when you come to think of it,

being nice is not so easy after all! Well I sure hope it doesn't take me the next ten years to achieve this last one.

can't live without

One never knows the value of someone or something until one loses it. How true that is! I can testify first hand, that's for sure.

It was only for a day. Yet I felt as though I was totally disconnected with the rest of the world. Actually I literally was. For one whole day (one day only? sure seemed longer), there was no one to wake me up for college, no one to remind me that it's time for TVB Drama, or to tell me that my time is running short. Worst of all, I felt so lonely and lost for a whole day, as though I was the only one left on Earth.

Well, if you haven't realised by now, I am talking about my handphone. I left it in college. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I got it back the next day. So, for one day, I had no contact with the outside world, because my parents' numbers are the only ones I remember by heart. There was no one to wake me up, because my handphone is also my only alarm clock. Oh, by the way, it functions as my watch too!

I truly did not realise how reliant I was on that little peanut-shape machine until I lost it. I did not own a mobile phone couples of years back, so what's the big deal now? But apparently, not having something before is way better than having it only to lose it again, as I have come to realise.

News Year!!

It's new year, and we already have the news of the year (if not video of the year)! Scandals! Interesting.... but not exactly the best way to welcome the new year though. And so very near election too! Let us get on our knees and pray very fervently for Malaysia.

Indeed, a very precious object lesson taught by the Health Minister: Kids, stay clean! Stay very CLEAN! Unfortunately, it's a very costly one too... Well, lesson learned and lesson taught. What more can be said?

However, in the midst of all these, let us not ignore the other lesson that is also to be learned: Own up and face the consequences! Although I cannot help but to express my disappointment and disapproval, I must say that credit has to be given to him for his courage to confess, his guts to admit fault, and his bravery to bear whatever consequences that come his way.

So, let us rest our case against him and allow him to silently find his way out of this mess. After all, the lesson is broadcasted loud and clear enough for all to hear and learn.